


X-Files Bunch, The

by spookyawards_archivist



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-09-21
Updated: 2003-09-21
Packaged: 2019-04-27 06:59:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14420016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spookyawards_archivist/pseuds/spookyawards_archivist
Summary: Here's a story. about a man named Mulder.





	X-Files Bunch, The

**Author's Note:**

> Note from alice ttlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Spooky Awards](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Spooky_Awards), and was moved to the AO3 as part of the Open Doors project in 2018. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are the creator and would like to claim this work, please contact me using the e-mail address on [SpookyAwards' collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/spookyawards/profile).

 

The X-Files Bunch

## The X-Files Bunch

### by Scully3776 and Spookykat

Title: Crossover Hell: The X-File Bunch 

Authors: Scully3776 and Spookykat 

Rating: PG-13 

Subject: Here's the story of a man named Mulder 

Spoilers: S9 (only minor) 

Keywords: Satire, emphasis thereon, Snark, Crossover, Slash (KSR), Carterbash (can we make that a new category if it isn't already one?), Meepy/Meepmork, LGM, CSM, Reyes, Bradford Follmer, MSR, Doggett 

DISCLAIMER: To the people behind the Brady Bunch: thank-you for a show that's so easy to parody. To Mel Brookes and your production company: We learned from your mastery of snarks in Robin Hood: Men in Tights, Spaceballs, and Blazing Saddles. FOX Network and 1013, if you give us Mr. Carter's characters, Agents Dana Scully, Monica Reyes, John Doggett, and AD's Bradford Follmer, Walter Skinner, Fox Mulder, CSM, Krycek, Ringo Langley, John Byers, Melvin Frohike, Meepy/Meepmork (AKA William <insert last name here>) and whoever you decide to name Lucy Lawless' character for about an hour, we promise we'll get you to S10. David Duchovny, Gillian Anderson, Robert Patrick, Annabeth Gish, Chris Carter, Mark Snow, Carey Elwes, and Frank Spotnitz, let us put it to you simply: This penniless pair loves your work. Please take this piece of insanity with the humor that it is intended. 

You may send any verbal retribution or shower us with praise to either choice, on all accounts, is entirely yours. 

The truth is in a house where a bunch of puke-worthy kids and their sickeningly perfect parents used to live with a maid named Alice who never married 

(The melodious sound of people singing out of tune) 

Here's a story of a man named Mulder  
who was busy with three gunmen of his own they were bored men  
living altogether  
they were all alone 

Here's a story of a skeptic lady  
Who was busy raising a Meepmork all alone He had red hair just like his mother  
Which he liked to wear in curls... 

Meepy (singing) Oh I feel pretty, oh so pretty! I feel pretty and witty and g- 

Langly: Wrong show, dumbass... 

So the one day when this lady met this fellow/And they knew it was much more than a hunch... 

Scully (interrupting) Although we followed this hunch up with scientific, rational thought... 

* _Cue the sounds of groaning_ * 

So this crew became a.... a..... um..... Searchers for little green men.... 

Mulder interjecting: They're gray! 

Frohike: Shut up!!! 

Anyways that's how they became the X-File Bunch!!!! 

The X-File Bunch!  
The X-File Bunch!  
That's the way  
We became the X-File Bunch!! 

[We find ourselves in a cozy house that was trendy in the 70's] 

Meepy: (banging on the bathroom door) Langly! You better let me in there 

Langly! Lemme in there or my bat will meet your laptops! Laaaaaaangly! 

Scully: (Coming up the stairs) Meepy, honey, what's all the fussing 

Meepy: Mommy, I hafta use the bathroom REEEEEEEEEEEAlly bad and Langly won't let me in. 

Scully: Meepy, Langly is a grown man...there are certain things that grown men need to do in bathrooms. 

Meepy: But Mommy, he doesn't take a shower...he doesn't brush his hair... 

Scully: You'll understand when you're older dear. 

Meepy: I can read your thoughts, Mommy. I understand NOW! 

Scully raises a questioning eyebrow 

Meepy: Frohike let me watch HBO with him last night. 

Scully: Meepy...your Daddy and I will have a long talk with Frohike when he comes home. You just have to be patient and wait. This house has four grown men living in it and only one bathroom. Six kids did it before us. 

Meepy: Six kids did it?! In here?!?! Eeeeeeeeeew that's DISGUSTING!! 

[Scully raises her infamous eyebrow at him in reply] 

Scully: I'm going to see if Skinner needs anything from the grocery store. When I get back, I want to hear all about how you and Langly worked out bathroom privileges [she goes downstairs to the kitchen] 

Skinner: [on the phone] Well, make it happen! 

Scully: Oh, glad to see the maid's uniform that was left here fits you so nicely! 

Skinner: It doesn't make me look fat? 

Scully: [lying] no, blue's your color! Do you need anything from the store? 

Skinner: No, thank you Dr. Scully. I went with my friend down the street, Marita Corruvabias...you know they just got a new dog, Queequeg...anyway, I went to the store with her today and the butcher there...Krycek...cut me a nice slice of uh...meat...today." 

Scully: He did? 

Skinner: [nodding] uh huh he's taking me to lunch on Saturday. He's only got one arm, but other than that, he's just dreamy. 

Meepy: [coming down the stairs] Skinner, have you seen Doggett around lately? I can't find him anywhere? 

Skinner: Oh, Meepy, I'm sure he'll show up. He might be chasing Monica again. Have a homemade chocolate chip cookie. 

Monica: Meow! 

Scully: Well, there blows THAT theory 

Mulder: (in his characteristic monotone) Honey, I'm home! 

Scully: Oh Mulder! (Scully scampers to the living room to meet her man with Skinner in tow) 

Mulder: How was your day honey? 

Scully: Oh Mulder, you need to talk to the kids. Meepy and Langly are fighting over the bathroom again and we can't find Doggett! 

Mulder: Fucking dog. Should have shot him when I had the chance. 

Scully: (whispering a la Gillian Anderson) **David, stay in character, that's not how Mike Brady would talk** 

Mulder: (whispering as well) Gillian, I don't give a rat's ass about how Mike Brady would handle this, this entire script is asinine. I am not getting paid for what I'm worth and if Carter even THINKS he's going to whore this show off to FX as well, I'm going to stick this script of his up where the sun doesn't shine (shakes script book in the air furiously) 

GA: (fuming now) Well David, if YOU hadn't left the REAL X-Files to pursue a crappy film career, the show wouldn't have been cancelled midseason and we wouldn't be have been farmed out to TV Land and stuck in this virtual re-run crossover hell and I'd still have my nice trailer- 

Duchovny: Oh, fine, Gillian, blame ME for the crappy scripts 1013 cranked out for Season Eight!!! Go ahead! You can kiss my big white as- 

Skinner: (clearing his throat discreetly) Um... guys? We ARE being watched you know. (points to the audience) 

Mulder and Scully look out into the audience, look at each other, put their arms around each other and plaster fake smiles on their faces. 

Duchovny: (whispering furiously) I'm only doing this because I have Tea and West to worry about. 

Anderson: (whispering back) And Piper needs a new pair of shoes, so let's pretend to lurve each other like the fans want us to because (mimicking Mulder's last line in "Existence") "It's the truth we both know." 

Duchovny: God damn shippers. (back as Mulder)All right, Scully, I'll have a talk with the kids, but after I announce my big news! 

Scully: Oh Mulder, I can hardly wait!!! 

Skinner: (examining himself in the mirror) This blue dress DOES make me look fat!!! (shakes his fist towards heaven) DAMN YOU CARTER!! DAMN YOU **TO HELL!!!**

[In the bedroom] 

Scully: [As Gillian Anderson] Mulder! It's always Mulder! Mulder! Mulder! Mulder! The whole show is about Mulder's SISTER, about Mulder's BDUCTION... Scully's sister dies and gets all of two episodes...Scully gets abducted for half a season and David gets Nic Lea to work with...what do I get? The bad guy from T2!! 

[Mulder comes in to change his things] Gillian, they're watching. 

Scully: Your the one who didn't want to be type casted...now look at you, you're stuck in dumb sci-fi rolls. 

Mulder: Oh...like anybody wanted to watch some dumb chickflick not even on cable. 

Scully: Did anybody come see your dumb Evolution movie? I don't THINK so. 

Mulder: [pouting] Tea and West did!! 

Scully: You let a 2 year old see a PG-13 movie?! Maybe next time you could take her to the porn section with you. 

Mulder: Gillian, they're watching. 

Scully: Oh...yeah...um...so Mulder, care to fill us in on the big news? 

Mulder: We're going to Hawaii! I have to go out there for a case, and Kersh invited us all out there. The Cunningham family out in Milwaukee is missing their son Chuck. 

Scully: Aloha. 

Mulder: Not so fast, Scully...I'm not so sure this is a good idea 

Scully: Why not, Mulder? It's summer vacation for Meepy. 

Mulder: Well...my new client, Diana, is coming with us. 

Scully: Diana? The bitch is back? 

Mulder: She sorta has to, she's my client. Gillian, just be happy the fans are ok with you leaving. 

Scully: [As Gillian, pouting] They like you better than me! 

Mulder: [As David] Meanwhile, I'll be reduced to infomercials if we don't get our asses in character...so put up or shut up. 

Meepy: [whispering] I see dead people 

Langly: Wrong movie again, dipshit. Kid actors! 

Frohike: The only good thing that ever came from a kid actor was Backdraft. 

Meepy: The Grinch Who Stole Christmas was pretty cool. 

Frohike: Alright. I'll give ya that. 

Scully: [coming down the stairs, grinning] Infomercials, David! Infomercials! 

Mulder: [Following her, also grinning] Pokemon shoes, Gillian! Pokemon shoes! 

Meepy: [shouting, arms flung open] I'm KING OF THE WORLD!! 

Chris Carter: [coming out in front of the camera, shaking his script angrily] Kid, who's your agent?! Do you realize how many Goddamn copyright suits I'm gonna get if you keep this up! [glares at Mulder]My ass has too much bitten out of it to spare another lawsuit. 

[doorbell rings] 

Skinner: [casually giving Carter the bird as he walks past] I'll get it 

Mulder: Spender?! I thought you were dead. 

Spender: Evil doesn't die [glaring at Carter] see, nobody likes cryptic shit. Mulder, I am your father. 

Mulder: Gee...that's original. 

Scully: _cough_ Infomercials! *cough 

Spender: You want the truth, YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!! 

Frohike: [mumbling] ixnay on the icholsonay 

Spender: [looking disappointed] Aw, but I was having fun 

Frohike: You make me wanna be a better man. 

Carter: Damn...wish I coulda come up with something like that instead of that touchstone crap. 

All: So do we! 

Chris Carter: [to Mark Snow] No, we can't use that song, my attorney said we might get sued, no...that one's gotta go too. 

SNOW: The X-Files theme?!? So what do we play instead? 

Chris Carter: God Bless America...there's irony in that song and my show, don't you think? 

Frank Spotnitz: [to CC] The same lawyer that defended you when David sued? 

Chris Carter: You've got a point. Somebody get me the yellow pages and look under the legal section! 

Spotnitz: Your story ideas?!? 

Chris Carter: [ignoring Spotnitz] [to Meepy] Kid, since it's a weekend, and you're not a part of the actors' union, we'll keep you on for a season. Then you'll die...got it? 

[Meepy only nods in response, and everybody moves magically into position for a dinner scene] 

Scully: [As Gillian] Got continuity? 

Mulder: [trying not to laugh] Well gang, looks like we're going to Hawaii for the summer. 

Meepy: But Doggett's gone...we gotta find him...we just gotta or I'm going to have a tantrum and shut myself in my room for no apparent reason! 

Skinner: Sporks anyone? 

Meepy and Scully: No! 

[Mulder hesitates, nods head in consideration, and Scully gives him the raised eyebrow, Meepy gives him the bird, and he finally shakes his head] 

Scully: Now Meepy, that's no way to talk to Mulder. 

Mulder: I suggest everybody get a good night sleep tonight, because tomorrow, we're off to Hawaii. 

[Spookykat puts on flame retardant clothing and crosses fingers, hoping and praying she won't be sued by the lawyers who are worried about being sued because of this] 

_this next post is thanks to LoneAgent27_

[In the TLG Bedroom with color coordinating bunks] 

Frohike: [wearing Tazmanian Devil PJ's] It's always Langly! Langly, Langly, Langly, Langly Langly! LANGLY hacks into everything. LANGLY wins all the computer games. What the hell does that four-eyed blondo got that I haven't got? 

Byers: [entering in Batman pajamas with matching slippers] Hair. 

Frohike: What the hell do _you_ know Virgin Monkey Boy? 

Meepy: [from the bathroom] a Y Chromosome. 

Frohike: When you grow pubic hair, then we'll talk freak. 

Langly: [in Cap'n Toby PJ's] Hey guys. 

Frohike: Oh, shove it up your bandwidth, Barbie. 

Langly: What bug crawled up his A Drive and died? 

Byers: Pay no attention to him, Langly, he's got Joystick envy 

In the sewers of D.C. 

* * *

Flukeman: [in Russian] It's always Leonard Betts! Betts! Betts! Betts! Betts! Betts! What's that freak of nature got that I haven't got? So he can grow new body parts...so he eats tumors ...Whoopidy-freakin'-do. Ok, so he can talk, ok so he's human. Humans ain't all they're cracked up to be. And while Betts gets all the glory what am I doing down here? I'm stuck without my bottom half in a shitty sewer Pickafrackabrickingrrrrrr [cussing a la Fred Flintstone] 

Meanwhile... back at the X-Files House  
The Living Room 

Skinner: (walking in, drying his hands on his apron) The dishes are done, Mr. Mulder. I'll be turning in for the night. 

Mulder: Going to bed, Skin-Man? 

Before Skinner opens his mouth, the door bell rings. Scully, wobbling in her seventies retro stiletto heeled boots, trepiditiously makes up the three stairs to the front door. She opens it and There's Our Krycek, in all of his one-armed glory, clad in leather and holding a bouquet of daisies. 

Skinner: (face lighting up in a big grin) Going to bed sir! Why, yes I am! (Prancing up the stairs, shoves Scully aside, takes the flowers, throws them aside, hitting Scully in the face- 

Scully: Ow! 

-and leaps into Krycek's arms - um, sorry - arm and gives him a big wet smooch. 

Krycek carries him off into the night. 

Mulder: (Covering his eyes with his hand in abject revulsion) I didn't need to see that. 

Just then, the door flies open. John Doggett, dressed as a NYPD cop stalks in as if he owns the joint. He shoves a picture of Edward Furlong in Scully's face. 

Doggett: Have you seen this boy? 

Mulder: (thoroughly ticked off by this point) WRONG SHOW PUPPY MAN. 

Doggett: (hanging his head in embarrassment) Dammit. 

(Leaves) 

Scully: (a la Carol Brady, the only one still trying desperately to stay in character) Oh Mulder... 

Mulder: Oh shut up, Scully you ignorant slut. 

Meanwhile, from upstairs... 

Meepy: Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad 

Mulder: Crap. (heaving a big sigh, he pushes Scully aside and stomps up the stairs) 

Scully: (storms off the set and confronts Chris Carter) 

This sucks! The writing sucks! The costumes sucks! My hair (points to her once lovely auburn locks now restyled a la Carol Brady) sucks! And my pay SUCKS! I want a raise! I want to be paid as much as David is getting paid! I am tired of this bs that just because I'm a woman, the industry seems to think that I don't deserve an equal amount of pay as a man. Well, let me ask you, Mr. Chris Carter? Did I take you to court and sue the pants of you when you sold The X-Files to FX?? 

Carter (to Mark Snow) When did I lose control? 

Snow: You had control? Since when? 

Warning Minor S9 Spoilers, but hey, if you come on the official x-files site at all, how can you avoid them... 

* * *

It is the next morning, we are in the x-file office, Doggett comes in. 

Doggett: [as Robert Patrick, Practicing his NY/Southern Accent] Muldah! MULdah...MulDAH... 

Spotnitz: I thought Doggett was the dog 

Carter: Oh Damn! Well...he is...uh...he's an alien dog...morphed into human...yeah...that can work, can it? 

[Reyes enters] Same for Reyes. 

Reyes: [as Annabeth Gish, shaking head] What kind of CRAP is this? 

Mulder: [as Duchovny, whispering] Careful, you're new...Carter's feeling pissy today, he might decide to kill you off. 

Reyes [as Gish] Thanks for the tip. Maybe I can give you some pointers for not being typecasted. 

Brad Follmer [in green tights, tunic, hat with a feather, singing] We're men, we're manly men, we're men in tights! [DD and Robert Patrick joins them] We roam around the forest looking for fights! We may look like pansies, but look at us wrong and you put out your lights! 

Reyes: [as AG] that's one way to do it. 

CC: Wrong show DUMB ASS! Get out of those God-awful tights! If Mel Brookes sues me for Copy write infringements, you're paying the lawyer's fees. 

[Carey Elwes moves over to an open window, Reyes casually goes over to him and nonchalantly shoves him out the window. ] 

Reyes: That was therapeutic. 

Follmer [falling out the window]Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas Yooooooooooooooooooooou Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiish!!!!!!!!!!! 

Lucy Lawless: [Flipping in a la Xena]Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiieeeeeee 

[goes to save Follmer as he's falling out the window]. 

Alright, we're going to settle this once and for all...a death match between Carter and all the angry S8 fans. [a mob of angry noromos and shippers suddenly appear with sporks and flamethrowers] 

Frohike: [appearing outta nowhere] Alright, whose got money on Carter? 

Reyes: [handing him money] what the hell, I don't wanna bother looking for a new job already. 

Doggett: [coming from the sidelines, handing money] This is a sinking ship, Carter, your ass is grass! 

Carter: Mommy! 

[LL and CE come up out of the window] 

CE: I've got a hundred on CC. What the hell...I like the underdogs. 

LL: Same goes for me...I need all the references I can get. 

All of a sudden, men in black pick Chris Carter off and drag him off to the MTV Celebrity Deathmatch Arena with the horde of angry Philes following... 

Spotnitz (to Mark Snow as they arrive at the arena) I thought this thread was a parody-cross-over of X-File characters in Brady Bunch situations. 

Snow: Where have you been for the last nine years? Since when is ANYTHING on this damn show been what it appears to be. 

Spotnitz: Good point. Think we can get good seats at the Deathmatch? 

Snow: Naw, look, see, Duchovny and Anderson already snagged them. 

Carter: (yelling at DD and GA) You two come down and help me NOW. I MADE you!!! I made you into the stars you are today. 

Duchovny: Do you hear something? 

Anderson: There's an annoying buzzing noise coming from the arena but other than that, no... say, since we're not in Brady Bunch land anymore, do I have to keep my hair like this? (points to Carol Brady 'do on her head) 

Duchovny: (cringing) Oh for the love of God no. I'm just glad we got out of there before they gave all of the male characters perms. 

Anderson: * _whew_ * (takes Carol Brady wig from hell off and fluffs her real hair) 

The ref: And in this corner, creator of one of the finest sci-fi series on television who tonight is going to fight for his life against legions of disappointed fans.... Chris Carter!!! 

Carter: (shaking fist at Duchovny and Anderson) I HATE YOU GUYS!!! 

The ref: - and in this corner.... one thousand thirteen angry fans. 

1013 Fans: Grr!! (brandishing sporks and flamethrowers) 

The ref: Let's get it on! (quickly gets out of the way) 

Shipper: This is for letting Mulder leave! 

NoRomo: This is for even hinting that Mulder is the father of Meepmork! 

About two minutes later... 

The ref: Well... in the shortest Deathmatch in the history of Celebrity Deathmatch... the fans are victorious!!! 

Gish: Crap, I'm out of a job... and a hundred bucks. 

Patrick: Have you seen this boy? (hold up photograph) 

Gish: Quit it. 

Patrick: No, I'm serious, have you seen this kid (holds picture of Meepy up) I was supposed to watch him but I forgot all about him. 

Gish: (sighing) Let's go... 

Meanwhile... 

as the former stars and partners of the X-Files sit in the stands, watching the janitor mop up the grease spot that was once Chris Carter.... 

Duchovny: Well that was kind of cool. What do you want to do now? 

Anderson: Go shoe shopping for Piper and West? 

Duchovny: Cool. Let me call Tea and see if she'll let me use the credit cards.... 

"The X-Files Bunch  
The X-Files Bunch  
That's the way we  
became the X-Files Bunch!" 

* * *

All references towards people fact or fictional, living, dead or   
otherwise was not intended to destroy careers or to imply salacious   
behaviors in their personal lives. This insanity was a satirical   
creation borne of our frustration that s9 will not showcase the   
character of Agent Fox Mulder at all...

(translation: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T SUE US!!!!) 

Until our next bored Friday night everybody... 

* _Finis_ *   
  


#### If you enjoyed this story, please send feedback to Scully3776 and Spookykat


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